oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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