You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
