U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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