This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I want to fling myself into the sun
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
