Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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