Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I forget how to act sober
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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