last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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