I puked a lego.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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