she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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