the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
