I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
