I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
