Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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