Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
