hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
