he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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