he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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