My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
