you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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