Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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