I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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