she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
