I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
