dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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