I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
