The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
