I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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