I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
