Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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