A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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