Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
