I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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