Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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