I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
