can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
