At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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