Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
