if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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