im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
