I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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