we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
