You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
