he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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