i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
