My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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