Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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