Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
