i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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