umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I want to fling myself into the sun
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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