He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
