I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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