I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
